Question:

Handling an Exodus - As a young pastor, it’s been difficult for me when people leave our church.  At times, I’ve taken it very personally when people leave, as though I have failed.  In other situations, I’ve found myself getting angry at people when they leave.  I don’t want to be crushed or calloused.  How can I process these situations spiritually, emotionally, and even logistically when people leave the church.  I have to deal with all of this internally, but I also have to continue to lead my staff and rest of the church people through these situations.  Can you give me some advice on how to handle “departures” both on a personal level and as a leader?

Responses:

Pastor Mark Boer - Boise, ID
When I first began the church, although I knew it was very common for people to leave other churches, I wanted to believe that mine would be different.  It wasn’t too long before I got to experience the negative feelings associated with this type of loss.  It was much more difficult than when I witnessed it from the supportive position I held in another church years ago.

The way that I process these situations begins with differentiating between the various ways and circumstances in which people leave a church.  There are good and bad ways that it can happen.  We must realize that there are times when a person leaves and it is the right thing to do.  It may be hard for some to imagine, but I believe the Lord may even lead someone to connect with another church.  Maybe there is another solid church in your area that has a ministry emphasis that yours doesn’t.  It could be that it is a perfect fit for someone in your church.  It could be a place where they become far more fruitful than they would ever be if they stayed put.  I know that we, as pastors, teach people to not become offended, as we know it is a big tool of the enemy to destroy them.  We must also possess the maturity to not take offense when people leave. I don’t want people staying in my church because they don’t want to hurt my feelings by leaving.  I want people who are connected to the vision, growing, and making an impact in this world as a result.

There are many times when people leave and absolutely shouldn’t, but they do anyway.  Whether it is because of offense, backsliding, or just not following the leading of the Spirit, they do what they want to do because they want to do it.  They don’t realize the negative impact their actions have on the local body of Christ.  They have become a statistic in a culture of change.  They have just become another roving member of the church, doing little good for anyone and often leaving a wake of pain behind them.

No matter what the circumstances are, we must respond appropriately.  We must continue to love people – those with us and those who have left.  We should never speak against those who have departed but continue to focus on those who remain.  We don’t want to punish those present for the deeds of those absent.  At the same time, it would be wise to evaluate the way that we operate.  Are we doing things that are offensive?  Could we improve?  Are we conducting our services and ministry in a way that treats people like they are valuable and important to us?  Even when we do everything right, some will still leave (people even stopped following Jesus after a few strong statements He made), but we must keep pressing on.  God knew it would happen and called us anyway.  I personally don’t think it is wrong to let your staff see your pain in these situations.  But they must also see you bounce back, lead the church and focus on fulfilling the vision.


Pastor Bob Claffey – Rochester, NY
It is never easy when people leave, especially people you have loved and invested in. It is inevitable that people will leave your church (If they are not, your church would not be growing and evolving).  It is a mistake to try and convince them to stay; it will only bring trouble and misery ahead.  

As a pastor, how do we process that people leaving? One thing that has helped me is to remind myself that I am a steward over God's people. God has called us to be the under-shepherds. The sheep do not belong to us personally; stewards are not owners.  Ultimately they belong to God, and you need to release them and entrust them to God's care. Understand that some people need to go so that God can bring you into a bigger place.  When we first pioneered our church we had a core of wonderful people who helped us get established, but as we continued to grow we had to make changes of how we did things. Some of our first church members didn't like the change and eventually left us. As much as we loved them, we saw it as necessary so that God could bring us into a better place. We just have to go back and remind ourselves that change is good.  It is never comfortable, or easy, but in the long run it is good. 

When people go, check your heart to see if there is something you could have done differently, learn from it, help them to leave on good terms and thank God that he is lining you up for growth.  Sometimes people have to go so God can bring in others to help with the work of the ministry.  Call a pastor friend and have a chat.  They understand what you’re going through. 


Pastor Dave Williams – Lansing, MI
Times of sifting and pruning are extremely painful for a pastor.  As excruciating as these times are, they are healthy and necessary for a church to bear more fruit. 

“Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit.”  John 15:2

It’s not unusual for a pastor to take it personally. After all, you hear all the comments about “not being fed,” “church is now on the wrong track,” “he’s not taking me deeper,” a host of other hurtful but common phrases.  But I assure you, after 30 years of ministry I’ve learned that it is rarely – if ever – personal.

Of course the pastor feels the pain of people leaving.  It’s because he loves the flock and has “no greater joy than to know they are walking in the truth.” 

“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” I John 1:4

When a sifting occurs, it’s often the people you’d least expect.  For example, a couple has been praying for their family to come to Christ.  When they finally do, the couple leaves the church.  A once-faithful board member or support team member walks out the door, filled with accusations, and you wonder how many others they have influenced along the way.

The problem is, truth is usually lacking in most sifting times.  I believe it was a Concordia study several years ago that revealed something that opened my eyes.  When people leave a good church, it’s almost never for the reasons they say.  It is, over 90% of the time, some sin or family struggle they are embarrassed over or afraid of being exposed.

Pastor, you don’t want everyone in your church.  You want the right ones in your church – the ones God Himself has added to your expression of Christ’s body.  What a lesson.  If people leave the flock, it’s an indication that they do not accept you as their shepherd.

After my fourth year as pastor, our church had grown from 226 to around 1200.  The people who helped me lead the church when it was smaller became threatened by the growth.  I noticed more grumbling, rebellion, contention, and nervousness among them.  They started inviting people over to their homes and injecting their fears into new members.  I wouldn’t budge on what God had put in my heart, even though the “original” leaders disagreed, and finally there was a mass exodus – a hundred souls left in a matter of a few months.  Talk about painful - it hurt.  There were rumors and innuendos left behind that we had to deal with.

After they departed, I noticed something special – peace in the church.  Emerging leaders, submitted to order and the passion of our vision, began rising up.  The church launched off the 1200 plateau and within two years had more than doubled to over 2800 worshippers.  Income increased and enthusiasm flourished.

I did become a bit hardened, I think.  It hit me hardest about six months after the sifting.  I was dealing with the emotions, and feeling guilty that I didn’t try to persuade them to stay.  In retrospect, I know it would have been detrimental to the growth of our church if they did remain.  When individuals develop an attitude of superiority, a spirit of rebellion or are harboring some secret sins, it’s better to let them go – it’s probably God performing His wonderful, but painful pruning process.

On a personal level: (1) Keep pressing into God and His Word, (2) Keep hearing from God – He speaks, (3) Write what God says in a journal, (4) Don’t rehearse the pain over and over with your spouse or close associates, (5) Thank God that you are about to enter a new level, (6) Always hang onto this: God knows something about it you don’t know, (7) Never quit without a clear word instruction from the Lord.  People need to see you as solid, durable, and lasting.

On a corporate level: (1) Assure the people that sifting is a normal process.  Jesus always spoke in agricultural terms, i.e.: planting, maturing, harvesting … and pruning, (2) Keep casting vision in faith, (3) Always speak the truth kindly.  People will remind you, “they were good people.”  Maybe they were (but not usually), yet they weren’t the right people.  God is helping you to get the wrong people off the ship and the right people on the ship for great advancement, (4) Always radiate warmth, build bridges, and focus on the team God is raising up for you, (5) Under no circumstances, accept back into leadership the people who left, without a long period of watching them, (6) Know that God is building His Church and He has entrusted a great leadership role to you, (7) Keep winning the lost and equipping the believers … and never stop.

We’ve experienced siftings and prunings over the years since that first one.  They’ve always been painful, yet productive.  I’m glad I never quit.  Since that first sifting, we’ve planted 43 new churches and now enjoy over 14,000 members (here and in our satellite churches).

Sifting is a good thing after all!


Pastor Mike Cameneti – Canton, OH
One of the things that I think is so vital in helping us as pastors to keep things in perspective, is simply understanding that our church is not for everyone!  Over the years, I have had people come to our church, say it is where God has told them to go, quickly become members, get involved, and then leave shortly afterwards.  I’ve learned not to take it personally; there was obviously a need in their lives we could not meet, or they would not allow us to meet.   

Another thing we need to recognize is that some people come with wrong motives.  Although we should not be judgmental, as a pastor, we should be aware that skewed objectives and those who come with the intent to manipulate may be in our church and may be the very kinds of people who are leaving, especially if they are confronted and convicted about changing some of those areas.   

Something I’ve done over the years when someone leaves our church, especially if it is someone who has been involved for a long time and could possibly influence others to leave with them, is pray for them.  I also believe God to bring a manifold return to our church of faithful people who will stay, hook up, and be part of the vision.

I think every pastor has to understand that God gave us the heart to care about people.  So, when someone leaves our church, we tend to feel like we have failed and not done our job, and that is usually not true.  Although it is part of the pastor’s heart to want to help and see people receive that help, we have to guard our hearts to prevent the enemy from trying to make us feel inadequate or unqualified as a pastor, just because someone has left.

Keeping in mind that this is God’s church, not mine, and that they are His people, not mine, has made this area of ministry much easier to handle, and helps keep my focus clear.  The key here is to keep our hearts toward helping people without giving our hearts over to hurt and disappointment.  With God’s ability, we receive help to find that balance in our lives and our ministries.

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