Tony Cooke Ministries - Marriage & Ministry

Question:

Marriage & Ministry – It’s been difficult for me to balance ministry and marriage. Ministry seems to have so many demands that my marriage has suffered. Can seasoned pastors share some tips with me about what they’ve done to keep their marriages strong and vibrant in the midst of ministry responsibilities?

Responses:

Pastor Mike Cameneti – Canton, OH
I think a marriage relationship is like any other relationship; you determine daily what you will put into it. My wife and I started our church when we were in our twenties and our children were ages four and six. Without a staff or help, there were many demands on us, but we made a covenant with each other that we would always put each other and our children before the ministry. That did not mean if someone in the church had an emergency come up that we would not be there; instead, it meant that during the week, and during times when we weren’t called out or doing a funeral, we made time for each other and our children.

As the church grew and we developed a staff, we began to adjust our lives to our growing family needs. We arranged our schedules so that we could be at our children’s events. This might seem like very little, but now that our kids are grown, they look back and remember that we were there for their games, birthday parties, and plays.

As far as our marriage, we determined to do as much as possible together, and to never put the ministry before each other. Our mindset was that we wanted to be married and actually love each other, and be friends even when the kids moved out of the house. Now, our kids are both married and my wife and I are having a wonderful time with each other because we never grew apart. We still do ministry together and she is my closest friend. We love working together and challenging each other.

Pastor Stan Saunders – Chillicothe, MO
I call my wife a couple of times during the day to just “chat”. We go out for lunch once a week and try to have a date night once or twice a month. I know some that have a date night weekly. This is too much for our schedule with our kid’s activities also. We take summer vacations, and short “get-a-ways” periodically.

Pastor Larry Millender – Tallahassee, FL
Over the years we have set a few guidelines in place to protect our marriage from becoming a casualty of ministry.

1.) Keep Jesus Christ as the centerpiece of our home and prioritize our spiritual life before all else. God in us is of greater importance than us in the church.

2.) Keep our home as our personal refuge and safe haven. Over the years we have had very few ministry events at our home (no bible studies at our home, etc.). I tell our church folks, do not just show up at my house to visit me. Do your best to limit telephone calls at home as well (not easy).

3.) Elaine and I set aside "together time” just for us (date nights, shopping, relaxation times, etc.). These are get-away times with no one tagging along. Divorce yourself of your cell phone for these times. Never take church folks on vacation with you.

4.) Never counsel the opposite sex without someone with you. This closes all kinds of doors for failure.

5.) Limit ministry times and events. DO NOT have church activities every day and night. Life is more than just about church stuff and ministry.

6.) Develop friendships with others outside of your church. Have some close pastor friendships and fellowship regularly with them. DON'T discuss church issues during these times. Enjoy yourself.

7.) Have friends to share your tough times with. Have a shoulder to cry on and an ear to cry into. Become accountable to others. Even cross-country pastoral friendships provide an outlet for you.

8.) Remember that people come and go. Don't build your future based on other people staying around you. Your spouse is with you for the long haul. Prioritize her/him.

9.) Never allow ministry to become competitive between you and your spouse. Learn to work together as a team. Give each other honor before your church people. Be kind to each other before your church members.

10.) Never air your marriage problems within your church. Don't tell church members "what you are going through at home."