Receive Free Monthly TeachingQuestion:
Proper Protocol for Leaving a Church
Is there a proper protocol for people leaving the church? It always seems difficult when people leave the church. Some are gracious in departing, some are not, and others just disappear. This can be painful to me as the pastor and unsettling to church members when their friends leave. I’d like to be able to teach some reasonable guidelines to people about the proper way to leave the church if that becomes their decision, but what’s reasonable for me to expect of people who depart for whatever reason? Has any pastor taught his people on the proper way to leave the church, and if so, what are the main points or considerations?
Responses:
Rev. Tony Cooke – Broken Arrow, OK
I’ve never jumped in on a Pastors’ Forum question before, but I want to share a thought or two on this issue regarding proper protocol for leaving a church. I’ve heard Pastor Gerald Brooks humorously refer to “The Last Supper.” He wasn’t speaking of the one Jesus celebrated with his disciples, but rather, those meetings when a church member wants to meet with the Pastor to communicate an impending departure.
What follows are some general guidelines that I think are good for a person who is considering leaving a church.
Church members should exercise graciousness and courtesy in leaving a church. They should ask themselves this question: “If I was a pastor, and someone was going to leave the church, how would I want them to leave?” Leave in such a way that if you ever decide to go back, the church and its leadership will be glad to see you returning.
Don’t burn bridges and don’t plant negative seeds in leaving! Examine your heart to make sure there is no offense involved in your decision. If offense is involved, it needs to be dealt with spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. If you, as a church member, are leaving because you’ve “seen faults,” what are you going to do when you see faults in your next church? Faults are everywhere because people are everywhere. If a person has been offended and has not dealt with it, they’ll simply carry that root of offense into the next church, and that “offense button” will be pushed again!
Leave alone. Don’t be a part of influencing others to leave the church. You don’t want to be blamed for others making the decision to leave. Even if you’re not offended, people who are offended can use you as their “poster child” to justify their own departure.
Communicate respectfully with the pastor about your decision to leave. In doing so, it is appropriate to express appreciation for the things that were received during your time at the church. Express sincere thanks for the pastor’s ministry and the church’s to you.
If you were in a leadership or working role, make sure that you are not leaving a gap in the church. Work with that pastor in making sure that, according to his desires, you’ve trained your replacement or left good written procedures regarding your responsibilities.
If you are frustrated with certain things in the church you are leaving, it’s best to keep those things to yourself. Some of those frustrations may be based on unrealistic expectations or even immaturity on your part. When you land in another church, you may find out that the grass really wasn’t greener on the other side, and you’ll be glad that you weren’t vocal about your frustrations. You may even find that once you’ve gotten away from a certain church, that there were a lot more positives there than you realized, and you’ll be glad you can go back without having to offer a lot of apologies for careless and critical things you said.
When Jesus cast an unclean spirit out of a man in the synagogue, the spirit, before departing, convulsed (or tore) the man and cried out with a loud voice (Mark 1:26). I don’t mean to over-spiritualize this, but it seems that when people are motivated by a wrong spirit, or even by their own carnal tendencies, they’re not content to leave peacefully and quietly. They want to “tear” the body and make a lot of noise in leaving.
Deuteronomy 28:6 says “Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out.” Let’s make sure that we are also a blessing when we come in and a blessing when we go out.
Pastor Jeff Jones – Kalamazoo, MI
Here’s some info on leaving a church by Patrick Norris (www.mylifepointe.com) and adapted by VFC.
| Download Pastor Jeff Jones' article on the subject: |  |
Pastor Walker Schurz – Lusaka, Zambia
We address this issue during the membership class. There is a section where we review expectations: what we expect from them and what they can expect from us. We talk about a few points regarding “leaving correctly.”
We ask them to come and see myself or another pastor in our church so that we are not guessing when they leave. There may be legitimate reasons like a job transfer or that they feel like God is moving them to another congregation. Whenever information is missing, we begin filling in the blanks which is neither healthy nor accurate.
We have been fortunate that those leaving even when upset, do not try to spread their discontent. I cannot think of an instance where we tried to talk someone out of their decision or threatened that bad things would happen if they left.
Other than a few cases where people left in a huff, many people have taken us up on this offer and it has been very beneficial for both parties. We are able to have a discussion about whatever is the prevailing issue and it helps bring closure for everyone. We close the meeting with a prayer for them and their family that God would guide and bless them. I let them know that the door is always open for them if there is a special occasion so that they do not feel uncomfortable if they visit in the future.
Thankfully, there is no shortage of unchurched people who we can continue to reach and bring into the family of God even if our church walls have a few cracks in them.
Pastor Gary Martin – Collinsville, VA
This is a very touchy subject to me. I did it the wrong way years ago and had to learn the right way. Keep that in mind as you read my methods of dealing with this situation.
My initial teaching on the "proper way to leave a church" begins when someone starts attending my church. Most people are always anxious to tell you their story as to why they left another church and why they are choosing yours. I always take this opportunity to make sure they have communicated with their former Pastor as to their leaving his/her church. I imply that before they can become members of our church, they must have made things right with their former Pastor. By "making it right" I mean they must let their former Pastor know of their leaving. My preference is for them to have a verbal conversation with their former Pastor, although some aren't able to do that. That in itself is a pretty good indicator of possible future problems. If they just can't handle speaking with their former Pastor, I suggest they write a letter. I explain to them how it makes me feel when someone has been attending our church and all of a sudden just vanishes. I try to get them to see the situation from a Pastor's perspective and from the Body's perspective. I try and show them it’s just common courtesy. I ask them if they really want to spend half their time in WalMart hiding from people and posting look-outs up and down the aisles?
The next time I teach on the "proper way to leave a church" is during the New Member's class. I explain to them what we expect them to do as members of our church if they ever decide to leave. We expect them to come to Pastor and tell him their intention to leave. No "Why Fors" are necessary. Then to keep the concept fresh in everyone's mind, at least 2 or 3 times a year during a sermon, I will touch on the proper way of telling your Pastor if you decide to leave the church. It just comes out, if you know what I mean. Therefore, if a member leaves they will usually come tell me and most of them tell me the truth as to why they are leaving.
Now when someone comes to me to tell me they are leaving, I never try to change their mind. I listen, thank them for what they did at the church and then stress they find a good church. Since we are not a large congregation, I will bring them to the front on their last Sunday and pray blessings over them and send them off. That way "everyone" now knows what has happened to the Martin family. I may even follow-up with them a month or so later to make sure they have found a good church. It is very important to me that they don't fall through the cracks and drop out of church altogether.
