Humor Section (cont)

A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of ten million bucks.  He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter.  “Ask him where the money is,” the mobster says.

The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, “What are you talking about?”

The interpreter tells the godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The mobster puts a pistol to the bookkeeper’s head.  “Ask him again!”

The interpeter signs, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!”

Okay, okay!” the bookkeeper signs back.  “The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard!”

“What’d he say,” asks the don.

“He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

Three men sat hopefully and expectantly in the hospital waiting room. A nurse from the maternity wing entered the room. She said to the first man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”  “That’s a wonderful coincidence,” he exclaimed. “I’m a member of the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”

Then the nurse addressed the second man: “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets.”  “Wow!” said the new father, “another wonderful coincidence. I work for the 3M Company.”  The third man jumped to his feet. “I’m leaving,” he said. “I work for 7UP!”

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday.  The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.  After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, “Hello, I’m Gladys Dunn.”  And the gentleman replied, “You’re not the only one, Ma’am, I’m glad it’s done too!”

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening at church when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Stop! Acts 2.38!” (“turn from your sin”).

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.” “Scripture?” replied the burglar, “She said she had an Axe and two 38’s .

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. “How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,” said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”  The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.  The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.” The preacher said, “I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It’ll come back to ya!”

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?” He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

Pulpit Bloopers

  • Ushers will eat latecomers.
  • The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale.  It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands.
  • Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers.  Bring your own hot dogs and guns.  Friends are welcome!  Everyone come for a fun time.
  • Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  • The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water The sermon tonight:  Searching for Jesus
  • Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir.  They need all the help they can get.
  • The agenda was adopted…the minutes were approved…the financial secretary gave a grief report.
  • Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.  She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
  • The ‘Over 60s Choir’ will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
  • Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch.  Announcement: Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.”
  • Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.”

A Woman’s Morning Prayer

Dear Lord, So far today, I am doing all right.  I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent.  I have not whined, grumbled, cursed, or eaten any chocolate.  I have not charged on my credit card.  However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that.  Amen.

Little Gracie was crawling around in the living room, testing things out as she crawled around.  Her mother saw her pick up a nickel, examine it, then swallow it.  The mother immediately picked her up, turned her upside-down and pounded her on her back.  Whereupon, Gracie coughed up two dimes.

Now the mother was really worried.  Hysterically, she shouted to her husband who was out in the back yard, “Gracie just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes.  Hurry!  Tell me what to do!”  The father shouted back, “Keep feeding her nickels.  We can use the money.”

Politically Correct

  • Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s just “passage-restrictive.”
  • Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”
  • You’re not late; you just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”
  • You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”
  • No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.”
  • You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”
  • You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.”
  • It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual information.”
  • The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.”
  • No one fails a class anymore; he’s merely “passing-impaired.”
  • You don’t have detention, you’re just one of the “exit-delayed.”
  • These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined.”
  • Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk; it’s just “closure-prohibitive.”
  • Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”
  • You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.”
  • You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”
  • You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”
  • You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.”

Weird Science

The following are actual comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students in America.  As one professor noted, “It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.”  So here they are:

  • “The body consists of three parts – the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.”
  • “Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.”
  • “H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”
  • “To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.”
  • “When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.”
  • “Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.  Hydrogin is gin and water.”
  • “Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”
  • “Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
  • “Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”
  • “The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”
  • “Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”
  • “A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”
  • “Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
  • “The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.”
  • “The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
  • “A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”
  • “The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.  I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
  • “A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”
  • “Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
  • “Liter: A nest of young puppies.”
  • “Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”
  • “Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”
  • “Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
  • “Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
  • “Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”
  • “To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”
  • “For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.”
  • “For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”
  • “To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”
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