Humor Section
Humor Section (cont)
If a dog were your teacher you would learn stuff like…
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout… run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you’re not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Perhaps you have heard of the family that moved into the neighborhood and the little country church decided to reach out to the family. When they arrived at the doorstep the members of the church were surprised to find that the family had twelve kids and were for the most part poor. They invited the family to services and said goodbye.
Later that week the church responded to their need. They delivered a package to the family and said, "We want you to know that you and your entire family are welcome at our church anytime. We have bought you these gifts and we want you to feel comfortable and at ease in our congregation. We hope you can use these," and they left. The family opened the package to find 14 suits of clothing, beautiful clothes for every member of the family.
Sunday came and the congregation waited for the family, and they waited. The family never showed. Wondering what could have possibly happened, after lunch the members of the church returned to the home and found the family just getting back, all dressed in their new clothes.
”We don’t mean to be nosey but we would like to know what happened. We had hoped to see you this morning in church,” the leader of the church inquired.
The father spoke up. He said, “Well, we got up this morning intending to come. And we sure do appreciate your invitation. But after we showered, shaved, and dressed, why we looked so proper we went to the Episcopal Church.”
I’ve been a sports fan all my life…
Football in the fall
Basketball in the winter
Baseball in the spring and summer
But I’ll never go to another game because…
- They always asked me for money
- The people I sat with weren’t very friendly
- The seats were too hard
- The coach never asked my advice
- The referee made some bad calls
- Some people attending cared more about their looks than the game
- Some games went into overtime, and I was late getting home
- The band played some songs that I didn’t know
- Too many games didn’t fit into my schedule
- My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up
- I just read a book on sports and I know more than the coaches
- I don’t take my kids to any games so that they can make their own choices about what sports they like best
How many people use the same excuses for not attending church?
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
A young lady was soaking up the sun’s rays on a Florida beach when a little boy in his swimming trunks, carrying a towel, came up to her and asked her, "Do you believe in God?" She was surprised by the question but she replied, "Why, yes, I do." Then he asked her: "Do you go to church every Sunday?"
Again, her answer was "Yes!" He then asked: "Do you read your Bible and pray every day?" Again she said, "Yes!" By now her curiosity was very much aroused. The little lad sighed with relief and said, "Will you hold my quarter while I go in swimming?"
A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. “I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we’re calling it the "Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But, where are all your cattle?"
"So far, none have survived the branding."
In today’s politically correct environment where you have to be so careful to keep from offending anyone, we might all have to give reports like this fourth grader who reported on the origins of the Thanksgiving holiday. "The pilgrims came here seeking freedom of you know what. When they landed, they gave thanks to you know who. Because of them, we can worship each Sunday, you know where."
An elderly woman, known for her kindness, never had a bad thing to say about anyone. All her life she had the uncanny ability to find at least one good thing to say about someone; even if that person had been unkind to her. One day, two neighbors saw the kind-hearted lady walking down the street. One said, “I’ll bet you can’t name a single soul whom Mrs. Sosebee can’t say a good word about.” The other replied, “I’ll take you up on that,” and as Mrs. Sosebee approached them, she greeted her. “Hello, Mrs. Sosebee. May I ask a question? What do you think about the Devil?” “Well,” said the woman, smiling, “you’ll have to admit he’s always on the job!”
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I’m the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I’m the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I’m the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I’m the greatest pitcher in the world!"
Introduction to property law from a toddler’s perspective:
If I like it, it’s mine.
If I can take it away from you, it’s mine.
If I had it a while ago, it’s mine.
If I say it is mine, it’s mine.
If it looks like mine, it’s mine.
If I say I saw it first, it’s mine.
If you’re having fun with it, it’s mine.
If you lay down your toy, it’s mine.
If it is broken, it’s yours.
A flight attendant approached a gentleman who was voicing his complaints rather loudly.
“Yes, Sir?”
“I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can’t see the in-flight movie, and there are no window blinds so I can’t sleep.”
“Captain, please keep your voice down and land the plane.”
“Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details, beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 a.m. EST.
God, help me to consider people’s feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they are usually NOT my fault.
God, help me not to try to RUN everything, but if You need some help, please feel free to ASK ME!
Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY RIGHT.
God, help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties and dancing. God, give me patience, and I mean NOW!
Lord, help me not to be a perfectionist. (Did I write that correctly?)
God, help me to finish everything that I sta…
Amen.”
There is the story of a farmer living in a dilapidated shack. He hadn’t planted anything, so nothing needed to be cultivated. The farmer just sat, ragged and barefoot, surrounded by the evidence of his laziness.
A stranger stopped for a drink of water and asked, “How’s your cotton doing?”
“Ain’t got none,” replied the farmer.
“Didn’t you plant any?”
“Nope. ‘fraid of boll weevils.”
“Well,” continued the visitor, “How’s your corn?”
“Didn’t plant none. ‘fraid there wasn’t gonna be no rain.”
“How are your potatoes?”
“Ain’t got none. Scared of potato bugs.”
“Really, what did you plant?”
“Nothin’,” was the reply. “I just played it safe.”
